It's been a while since I've been here...I guess you can say I have been caught up with life. But, a friend shared something with me recently which I found to be thought provoking, so I felt the need to share it as well.
There Comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by.
Life`s circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as plan. Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, or tried to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. shake off the "why`s" and the "what if`s, " and rid yourself of confusion.
Whatever was-is in the past. whatever is-is what`s important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time-with courage, faith, and determination. keep your head up, and cast you dreams to the sky. Soon your step will become firm and your footing will be solid.a path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings.
It is amazing how some people know how to say the right things to you at the right time to inspire you. The entire concept speaks volumes, because I have been guilty (on SEVERAL occasions I might add) of allowing the dark clouds which is my past to 'bogart' it's way into my thoughts....and basically just overshadow everything that is positive in my life. The sad part is the dark clouds that seem to overcast my joy and SHINE are created by no one else but yours truly.
Your mind can be your biggest adversary, tripping you up with doubts and fears and remembrances of every mistake you ever thought you made with love, and life in general. So much so that you willingly turn down opportunities because you are afraid of venturing out of your comfort zone--afraid to put your trust and faith into something that you can't visibly see. You would much rather have a script, because at least then you would know what to expect...right? But that would mean avoiding life, and the process of living. Opportunities present themselves when we least expect them, but if we are not present to the moment because we are so stuck in our past...we usually miss out. *sigh*
It is a something that I struggle with during my weakest moments, but internally I know it isn't conducive to me evolving. So letting go is the solution to bring about change and the happiness that I desire. Because when it is all said and done...during my last breaths....I don’t want regret to rob me of enjoying my last moment of peace on earth. I want to be content with the fact that I gave myself a chance to just be.
As we enter a new year, I sit and reflect on the past year and all that I have experienced...how I have grown...the people that I have crossed paths with...the disappointments that I've met...and challenges that I have faced...I realize that even in darkness, when I allow myself to accept and experience those times of adversity, I am able to find my way back to light. It is during those times of darkness I am able to gain a new perspective on life and continue my process of becoming. And, I am thankful for all the good and bad things that have been manifesting in my life over the past year and everything that is yet to come--although I must say that I've been blessed to find a little niche for myself in what I am currently doing (not to toot my own horn...but uhm *TOOT-TOOT*...lol). I am very big on quality/joy of life, also known as "joie de vivre", and I believe wholeheartedly in always striving for better; it is a passion of mine...because in my eyes the possibilities are endless.
So with this new year, I welcome another year of joy, love, learning, laughter, sadness, tears, mourning, triumphs and celebrations, because with all comes proof of life--evidence that I am still evolving, still progressing.....still living.
Well, Seasons Greetings and holiday cheer to all (even the Scrooges). It is hard to believe that Christmas is here and a New Year is approaching once again. Gosh...where did the time go? Why does it seem like time is NEVER on our side? *sigh*
Speaking of time going, I am sitting here at my sister's house, and two things happened that made me realize that I am NO longer a kid anymore:
1. It is 1 am...OFFICIALLY Christmas, and rather than wanting to open up some presents, I would rather have a meeting with my empty bed and pillow, but alas I had a few too many drinks tonight, and I can't drive...so, I think I'll be crashing at my sister's house tonight.
2. For the past hour my niece has been nagging my sister to allow her to open up some of her presents, but she is losing this battle. My sister and I do not see the emergency, and feel like she can wait until the morning when everyone is exchanging gifts. Are we wrong? Possibly. But, my mother did it to us, so we have to do it her...not to be mean or anything... but for the sake of TRADITION....*insert sarcastic smile here*...She'll get over it.
Anywho, if you don't remember anything else about this holiday, we should remember that the best and most precious gifts usually never come in boxes.
Wow, seems like I abandoned this old thing, but I really haven't (even though I for a minute I could not remember my blog address..damn shame). I guess you can say that I've been preoccupied with living, learning, and being more present to the moment. I am trying so hard not to let life pass me by....but sometimes...I feel like it is (can you believe the year is almost over already..when the hell did that happen?).
Recently, I've been learning a lot about forgiveness and redemption, and how the lack of it can put you in a place where you will hold on to grudges for so long that your perception of others, and their intentions can become so jaded. I have always been the type to think that everything in this world is either black or white, with no room for a gray area--either it is or isn't. And, in some instances I still share those sentiments, because there are times where things are THAT concrete and simple. But, I am starting to realize that the world can be full of grace, surprises, mystery, and things that are just not meant to be understood. You can't always compartmentalize everything (including people) into nice little neat boxes and think that it's the end all be all, and you have it all figured out. There is always a gray area if you allow yourself to think outside of the box, leave that comfort zone and venture out into the unknown.
The only problem is when you are use to disappointments it becomes harder and harder for you to let down your guards, and take those risks because you anticipate disappointments. You prepare yourself mentally for the let down, because in your mind you're thinking "HUMPH, sounds too good to be true...what's the catch?...what are you NOT telling me?...Am I supposed to be solving for 'X ' here...because science was more my speed"? It is the cynic's way of avoiding feelings of vulnerability. And, I know that I probably have missed out on more than a few blessings in disguise because I can be so on guard sometimes that I appear aloof and very nonchalant (Seriously...You would think my name was Al Capone the way I am so guarded).
This is my confession...it is what it is... but, I can honestly say that I am evolving from my old ways. And, although I do admit to regressing every once in a while I refuse to let life pass me by without ever having to really live in the moment.
Always,
Str8tNoChaser
"Living life fully is not a task; it is an opportunity."
--Anon
Why do other people feel the need to question a person's belief in God because of their sexual orientation?? Why are they under the impression that somehow God's acceptance of that person has to do with whether or not they are straight or how well behaved they are? We are all sinners and will remain that way until the day that we die.
I don't mean to preach, but it really irks me when SOME of these bible toting, self-proclaimed Christians feel that because they study the bible and they attend church every Sunday, that makes them self-righteous and they have the authority to JUDGE others. Humph...They must be reading that bible upside down, because if they know like I know.....the only righteousness we have is God ......not our illusion of good behavior.
I wholeheartedly believe that your relationship with God has nothing to do with your sexual preference, your good behavior, or how often you attend bible study, and EVERYTHING to do with whether or not you accept him into your life, and understand how important it is to have an intimate relationship with him.
I know that I am child of God, and I don't feel the need to validate my belief to anyone but him. It is in him that I trust...it is because of him I continue to have strength.....and everyday that I am blessed to see another day I continue to step out on F.A.I.T.H...
Forever....Am...I...Trusting in....Him
Stay lifted.
(Disclaimer: For those of you who may be Christians, Atheist, or just plain disagree with my statements....you have the right to have an opinion...But guess what?..So do I....and this is MY page...you do what you'd like on YOURS....*smooches*)
Always,
Str8tNoChaser
"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."
"And, if you don't wanna be down with me, you don't wanna pick from my appletree."
Well, damn! I guess the jokes on me...but I am not laughing.
It is AMMAHAAZING how some people will put on some extravagant show, just to make themselves look good in other peoples' eyes. What is even worst, these said people are about 10yrs out of H.S. or more (read as: Too damn grown to be acting like that and they're not on anybody's TV). They even have their close friends egging them on and supporting there show? Or could it be those friends are just as fraudulent as they are? Umph...Umph..Umph...Is this life or some type of audition?? Maybe, I missed the memo.
I really don't know who they're trying to kid, but I have some late breaking news for them........YOU AIN'T KIDDING NOBODY BUT YOURSELF! Why don't they know that if they can't be themselves they WILL find themselves BY themselves? Why don't they know that eventually someone will see the discrepancies in their entire game, and throw a monkey wrench in that shit (Yes, Luv, you need to put a quarter in your ass cuz you are definitely playing yourself)??
I don't even know if I should be upset that someone would try to pull the wool over my eyes like that, or flattered that they would feel the need to put on a show to impress me (not that I am). That entire facade does not even register correctly in my head; it just comes up as an error message, as in: "invalid page 404 file not found"...Mmm-k.
I really respect and appreciate people who are comfortable with being themselves, regardless of what others may think of them. Because, in a perfect world we would all get along, but that's not the type of world we live in--you can't please everybody. Personalities clash and some people just don't mesh with each other.
All I ask is that people come as they are; minus the facades, minus the games, no acting one way when they're around certain people, and acting another way when they are around others...just dare to be you, because that's all you really have in the end.
Always,
Str8tNoChaser
"I work on pleasing me cuz I can't please you and THAT'S why I do what I do..."
Think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere....
Thought I was ok...but I really wasn't...
Once again, I found myself on a very dark road recently; one which led me to a complete dead end. I lost Monica for a minute there...but it comes to no surprise because these emotions were long overdue. I have been so busy trying to be strong for everyone else I forgot about me...about my emotions...about my pain. I completely ignored the fact that I am human, and I do have limits--which I obviously exhausted. So...surrounded by my thoughts about my life, my family, my past, my present and what the future holds, I found myself crying over nothing and EVERYTHING. I allowed myself to become so engrossed in all the sadness happening around me that my thoughts about life in general became so distorted. I guess having to attend three funerals within one month can do that to a person. I was a crying mess (thank God I don't wear much eye make-up...because then I'd really look like a mad woman...lol).
What is it about death that can send a person over the edge?! The ramifications of it all can be so overwhelming and even bring you to the point where you become paralyzed. Lord knows if I wasn't somewhat grounded I'd probably find myself in some psych ward getting treatment for acute depression. *shaking head*
But, you know the funny thing about it all, one day the tears just stopped, and I felt like someone lifted a ton of weight off of my shoulders. Cleansed and renewed. The entire process can be so discouraging, but in the end you realize that in order to move on, it is important to go through that grieving process....and understand that it doesn't last forever.
*sigh*
Always,
Str8tNoChaser
I may have wandered off...but, I'm back on the path to peace and happiness.
Life--the one thing we love to think we have full control of; the one thing we think we have a say in how things should pane out, but in reality some things in life are way above us. And, when our lives are turned upside down or our efforts to accomplish our goals fall short of success, it's hard not to harbor feelings of anger, resentment, and often times feel a sense of helplessness. It leaves us to wonder if there is a HIGHER power, why does he allow others to suffer? Why does he let bad things happen to good people? Why does it feel like when we need him the most, he is no where to be found? But, the real questions are, were we ever promised a life without problems? And, does good and bad not happen to both good and bad people? We so want to understand, but it's difficult to admit that some things are just beyond reasoning, and there is no right answer.
I would have never thought that I would live to see the day that I would have to attend a funeral of a child, but there I was yesterday sitting at a funeral for my coworkers little girl. I cannot even describe how heartbreaking it was to even sit through the service. There are no words that any human can possibly say to console her parents, because it isn't supposed to happen this way; parents are not supposed to bury their children. And, it makes you go back to the same question...why? Why would God let this happen? But, as the Pastor said, we ask these questions as if we were ever promised a life filled with nothing but joy and happiness. God does not promise a life free of problems, but what he does promise is, if we continue to believe and have faith, he will provide us with the means to endure and be resilient through life's obstacles, and through our times of despair.
I truly believe this child was sent here for a purpose, and she served that purpose. She touched so many people with her spirit and her old soul. Which is why at the tender age of six, while she was passing she told her mother that she "would never leave" her, and she actually asked her parents what they would put on her tombstone? Her mother tried her best to change the subject, but the child repeated the question. And, finally, her mother asked her whatshe would like them to put on her tombstone, and her response was, "A Little Angel"......and that she was.
Little Alisha,
May you continue to touch our hearts with your spirit, and may you sleep in peace with the rest of the angels...R.I.P
Always,
Str8tNoChaser
"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect."
--Margaret Mitchell
I have been back in N.Y.C. since Tuesday and can you believe that after having a F-A-B-U...FABULOUS (as Toccora from ANTM would say) time in Vegas, I had to return back to work the next day?! I personally think there should be a mandatory AFTER vacation rest period...a grace period if you will. And, yes...I understand the whole point of a vacation is to rest; a time where all activities are suspended....but who really does nothing but rest on vacation? Nobody I know. Most of the time you want to get out and do the tourist thing...sightsee...party....or in my case buy things you have no business buying (FYI: Vegas is the DEVIL..with all those stores, boutiques and outlets...just calling me). It didn't help that I felt like I was entitled since we were celebrating my birthday....but I have no regrets. I enjoyed myself even more than I did the last time I visited (we won't even discuss how SUPER dry and hot it was the last time we visited..I promise you I was coughing up sand..lol).
One issue I do have with Vegas though (and I don't know if it's because I am from NY)...it is
not pedestrian friendly; there are a lack of sidewalks and crosswalks. Grant it, there are some outdoor escalators that lead to overpasses to get you from point A to B....but why go through all that trouble? Why not just pave some sidewalks, so we can walk like normal people? And, I am still wondering why they would build a six laned street, with stop lights in both directions for the cars, but no crosswalk for pedestrians? Who are they stopping for if the pedestrians "aren't suppose to" (according to the locals) cross that particular street? But, ask us if we cared?? We did the only thing that New Yorkers know how to do with precision...JAY WALK..and had other people doing it too, because they probably were thinking the same thing we were thinking.."How da HELL are we supposed to get across this street?"...*shaking my head*...Still much fun was had by all.
This trip has really brought me back to my old self. After the death of my aunt, I found myself in a depressed and angry state. I guess because death is something that fills us up with mixed emotions, and it kinda allows us to reflect on our own life. The good, the bad, the misfortunes, the many blessings, the struggles, and the trials of self abuse and self truth. It allows you to step outside yourself and examine who you are, and what you're becoming. Are you content or wallowing in self-pity? Are you so preoccupied with the past/future that you forget about the present? Are you stagnant? Or, like that Snicker bar commercial slogan says, "Not going anywhere for a while?"....Talk about discouraging....
The finality of death always opens our eyes to how important it is to live in the present. How important it is to appreciate what you have when you have it. Stop trying to control everything happening around you, and let life happen on it's own terms--Live. Some things are just above and beyond our control; understanding this helps me to stay grounded and keep my sanity just a little longer. I know that life will always lead me to a path that is filled with ups and downs, but I'm ok with that....because as long as I am on that path...I know I'm going somewhere.
I have only been back for a week, and once again I find myself preparing to fly the friendly skies.
DESTINATION.........
VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!
I have never been so amped to fly in my life. My birthday came and went in silence this year, because of everything that was happening on the homefront......BUT...Have no fear...because your girl is about to do it EXTRA BIG for the next three days (the only way you can do it in Vegas...anything less would be uncivilized).....spa treatments...shopping....sightseeing...clubbing...the WORKS.
So, to all my blog homies (missed you ladies by the way)...I'll see you when I get back (or should I say read you?). Enjoy your weekend.
P.S...I am still accepting late birthday presents, so if you have not purchased my present as of yet...you still have time. And, if you are having a difficult time and are in need of suggestions, here are few items from my birthday wish list:
1. A trip around Europe
2. A trip around the Caribbean
3. A brand new car (I would prefer an SUV because I like to ride above the rest, but, uhm...a new car will suffice)
4. A lifetime of pure bliss (hey, if you even have the road map to guide me directly to this...it would be MUCH appreciated)
5. 3 inch heels that feel like you're walking on cotton
Once again, these are MERELY suggestions, so if you are still having a difficult time.....please be aware that I am always willing to accept CASH donations to save you the trouble (because I am just THAT sweet..lol).
"They cannot define, beautiful to me
someone else's eyes, don't see what I see
follow like I'm blind, just won't do for me
God made me just fine, that's why I got to be
I-N-I"
